I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
