we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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