so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
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judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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