I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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