I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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