Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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