Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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