he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
