i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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