your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
And then he peed in my hair
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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