Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
