i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
