it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
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we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
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