mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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