I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I looked at my own cervix.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong