Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
