Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
