Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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