I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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