meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
