I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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