Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
