I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
