I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
