My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
