Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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