Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
