If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
