five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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