I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Can you bring me the toilet please
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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