it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
