Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
