I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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