if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
