dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
