i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
