And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
