sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You're like the curious george of whores
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Your penis caused this!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
