officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
