Will you blow on my dice?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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