Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
