I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
