she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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