I look better un-naked...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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