I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
