did you get engaged???
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
