I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
