I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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