Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
