So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
