i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
