Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
