can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
