Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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