Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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