dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
