I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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